The Kiss that Never Was

(The innocence of growing up in Zanzibar has already become legendary.  This story is an attempt to showcase an incident in my life that highlights this innocence.)

I had a fair number of crushes at the age of twelve when I discovered that girls were indeed human and a part of our planet.  Of course, I never did realize that once I hit my tumultuous teens that girls would occupy so much of my universe.  I soon discovered that I had impatient hormones that were on the borderline of getting out of control.  At the tender age of thirteen, few sane boys had the iron nerves to approach any girl and mention to them how they felt.  That would be suicidal particularly if the girl was a talker.  Invariably, all her friends would get to know about it, and life would never be the same after that.  The net result of this situation was that boys just had to repress their amorous feelings and as you can well imagine, it had a profound impact on their confused world and particularly their world of fantasy.

My luck began to change, however, when I reached the age of thirteen.  My friend Richard had an attractive sister for whom I had for some time strong feelings.  She would spend her afternoons at the Victoria Gardens with some of her friends.  As you would well have guessed, I would also be at the gardens with my hair plastered with pomade (or coconut oil), with my hair parted in the middle for effect, and a rehearsed smile intended to hide my adolescent pimples. I had to look irresistible. At the age of thirteen (unlucky for some they say) I just did not have the nerve to approach the love of my life, for my shyness had the better of me, and eye contact was sure to send all the wrong messages any way.  It was obvious that I needed help very badly.

Richard came to the rescue.  Apparently, Richard had learnt that one of the girls (who will be nameless) had a longing affection for me and would do anything to kiss me.  However, she felt that her heart was being steadily broken because I apparently showed no interest in her.  Wasn’t that a switch?!  Richard struck up a deal with me.  He confessed that he loved this particular girl to distraction.  I use the word love to mean attraction. He was, of course, aware of my feelings for his sister.  The deal was that if I could arrange for this girl to meet him just behind the School garage so that he could kiss her during the ten o’clock break, he would arrange for me to kiss his sister at the appropriate time and at the appropriate place.  After giving it very little thought or perhaps no thought at all, I told him that the deal was on.

The following day, I met the girl in question and asked her whether I could talk to her in private.  She agreed.

“Look,” I said, “I was told by Richard that you like me very much. Is that true?”

“Yes”, she answered in a whisper with her head hung low for effect or perhaps to disguise her shyness.

“How much do you really like me?” I ventured trying to sound distant.

“Very much,” she replied innocently.

“Well, you are going to have to prove that to me.” I encouraged.

“What do you mean?” she enquired suspiciously perhaps hoping that I would grab her and plant a memorable first kiss.

“Well, it is like this.  Richard loves you very much and you don’t even know this, do you?” I asked

“No, she stressed, “but I do not love him.”

“If you really like me, you are going to have to do something for me.” I encouraged.

“I will do anything for you,” she said.

“OK then.  You will run to the School garage tomorrow during the ten o’clock recess, and Richard will be waiting for you there.  He would like to kiss you and you are not to offer her any resistance.”

She blushed.

“OK,” she submitted much to my satisfaction, “I will do anything for you.”

Richard was informed about the first part of this sinister arrangement, and he was simply aesthetic about the results.  I was, however, quick to remind him that I wanted to know what arrangements he had made with his sister for my first kiss.  He told me that at six-thirty the following evening when the Victoria Gardens shut and everybody went home, his sister would be waiting under the steps at their house.  I was to make a quick entry; kiss his sister, and make just as quick an exit.  I agreed.

The following day, Richard was walking on clouds after he kissed the girl he cared for so much.  I made sure to verify that all the plans that were put in place for me for that evening had not been aborted.  He assured me that all was OK.

That afternoon, I had a long bath and scrubbed myself with lifebuoy soap so often that my skin burned.  My distraught mother was more worried about the amount of water that I was wasting.  I put some Vaseline Hair Tonic to hold my hair in place and borrowed some of my sister’s Pond’s Cream when they were not looking so that I smelt good.  At six-thirty sharp the Garden shut and I followed the love of my life home.  My ears were on fire the closer I got to her Home.  Finally, she entered the house, and Richard came hurriedly out to rush me in for my reward....a kiss.  When I got into the house, it was so dark that I could not tell what I was supposed to kiss.  As soon as my eyes got used to the dark, I noticed the victim .  As I went to kiss her, the door suddenly sprung open and Richard’s father walked in.  He was quick to take in what was about to transpire.  He grabbed a hold of me, swung me around and gave me a running kick with a threat that if he ever saw me anywhere close to his daughter, he would kick me where it hurt the most.

It was obvious that he was dead serious too.

From that day on, Richard ceased to be my friend.  Very shortly thereafter his sister simply became a face in the crowd.  However, I would like Richard’s sister to know, wherever she might be or no matter how old she is, that she still owes me a kiss as debt of honour.